In a historic move, world leaders have decided to buy the United States, but instead of asking Americans, they are negotiating with Canada and Mexico…

“We believe that Canada and Mexico, being the closest neighbours, have the moral authority to decide on this matter,” stated the spokesperson for the Global Acquisition Initiative. “After all, history has shown that you don’t need to ask the people actually living in a place before making major territorial decisions.”

Why Canada and Mexico?

This strategic decision was inspired by recent geopolitical maneuvers, where world leaders have shown a refreshing disregard for the concept of self-determination. “If powerful countries can decide the fate of a region without consulting the people living there, why stop at Gaza? Why not apply this universally?” the spokesperson added.

Deal Terms (Subject to Canadian and Mexican Approval)

• The U.S. government will be replaced with a more stable and functional reality show.
• Citizens will have the right to vote on the new national anthem, with Despacito currently leading in early polls.
• All McDonald’s locations will be turned into embassies, ensuring diplomatic immunity for Big Mac enthusiasts.

Initial Responses

Canadian officials are reportedly intrigued but concerned about the cost of healthcare for 330 million new citizens. Mexico has remained silent, possibly too busy building a giant wall—this time, to keep Americans out.

Meanwhile, the U.S. government was caught off guard. “Wait, what do you mean they’re negotiating over us?” asked a bewildered official. “Shouldn’t they be talking to us?”

To which the coalition responded, “Oh, don’t be silly. That’s not how this works.”