Moscow/Washington D.C. — In a masterclass on 21st-century diplomacy (or lack thereof), President Donald J. Trump has once again taken matters into his own hands, personally calling Russian President Vladimir Putin to “work out a deal” on Ukraine — without Ukraine being present.

“It’s a very smart way to negotiate, very powerful,” Trump said during a press conference. “You don’t bring in the thing you’re selling to the negotiation table. That’s how amateurs do business. Believe me, I know deals. I wrote The Art of the Deal. Some people say it’s the greatest book ever written. I wouldn’t disagree.”

Ukraine: “Are We on Hold or Just Not Invited?”

Ukrainian officials, understandably confused, released a statement asking whether they had “accidentally been put on hold” or if their Zoom invite had simply been lost in spam.

“Look, we understand the concept of being excluded from world decisions—happens all the time,” said one Ukrainian diplomat. “But could we at least get a transcript? Or maybe an AI-generated summary? Something?”

When pressed by reporters on why Ukraine wasn’t part of the negotiations, Trump reassured everyone that ‘Ukraine will be very happy with the deal, trust me. The best deal. Maybe even the best deal in history. Some people are saying that.’

Europe Furious About Being Left Out, Shocked to Learn Military Power Still Matters

Meanwhile, European leaders were utterly shocked to discover they also weren’t invited.

“This is outrageous”, fumed French President Emmanuel Macron while adjusting his NATO-branded scarf. “For decades, we’ve mastered diplomacy, peace talks, and issuing extremely serious press statements. And now, suddenly, raw military power is important again? This is unacceptable!”

A German government official, speaking off the record, admitted that Europe may have miscalculated:

“We thought if we just focused on economy and values, everyone would respect us. Turns out, people still respond to tanks. Who could have predicted that? Certainly not history!”

Despite their frustration, European nations quickly took action—by setting up a committee to schedule an emergency meeting where they will discuss the next meeting about potential action.

Putin: “I Was Just Being Polite”

Putin downplayed the significance of the call. “Trump calls me all the time,” he shrugged. “Sometimes about Ukraine, sometimes about business opportunities. He once offered to build a Trump Tower in Crimea. Said it would have ‘the best views, truly fantastic.’ I just nod and listen.”

Sources claim that the two leaders discussed ‘off-ramps’ for the war, including:

• A winner-takes-all golf tournament to determine who gets Crimea.
• A real estate exchange where Trump “swaps” Alaska for peace in Eastern Europe.
• A new reality TV show called ‘Who Wants to Rule Eastern Europe?’
• As of now, Ukraine remains uninvited to the next round of talks, but at least they can take comfort in one fact— Europe also doesn’t get a seat at the table.

Elon Musk: Already Trump’s Best Friend, Now $400M Richer

In what experts are calling “the least surprising development in history,” the U.S. State Department has signed a $400 million deal to buy armored Cybertrucks from Elon Musk.

“We need strong, beautiful vehicles to protect American diplomats,” Trump said. “And what’s stronger than a Cybertruck? Nothing. It’s like a tank, but also a meme. Very powerful.”

This raises not so serious conflict-of-interest concerns, since Musk definitely didn’t got the contract because of his friendship with Trump. Coincidentally or not, Musk agreed to pay Trump $10 million to settle a lawsuit over his Twitter ban.

Experts believe the ‘settlement’ is simply a creative way of saying ‘thanks for the government contract, buddy.’ But Trump insisted:

“No, no. Completely unrelated. Totally different things. I would have won that lawsuit anyway, by the way. But Elon is a great guy. Maybe the best. And he’s doing incredible things for America. And now, for Ukraine too, probably. Maybe. We’ll see.”